As a psychotherapist, one of the many challenges of the job is that of understanding the plethora of differences presented by various people who step into my office every day. But to be completely frank, most, if not all of these differences exist because of one reason--women are involved. Women are mysterious, multi-faceted, wondrous beings who bring variety, creativity and spontaneity to this world. Men, by comparison--well, we’re just slugs.

The raw truth is that men are just not that complicated. Oh sure, we seem complicated to women, but that’s because you women overthink us. Women look at the mousetrap of mankind and see some sort of space rocket. You spend days working on calculations and extrapolations, attempting to discover the genius behind the masculine mindset. Ladies, save yourself some time. Believe me, there is no there there. Guys are mousetraps. Absolutely no rocket science is involved. A piece of wood, a metal spring, some cheese-that’s it.

In other words, when we say, “Gee, Honey, your hair sure looks nice,” we don’t mean, “I hated your previous hairstyle and I’m so glad you got a different cut this time.” Neither do we mean, “I really hate this cut, but I’m just telling you I like it so I won’t get in trouble for not noticing.” We are simple beings. We just mean we like your hair. As I said, ix-nay on the ocket-science-ray.

There are really only four motivating factors for most men. Primarily men are survival-oriented. And no, this does not have roots in some deep anthropological chain of events. Basically, men just don’t notice things. Simply put, my gender has merely overlooked every change in society since we were Neanderthals, and thus, we still respond to the unpredictability of life the way we have for millions of years-with lots of grunts and large clubs. Granted, our grunts are now formed using grammar and syntax, and our clubs now have V-8 engines and 18-inch woofers in them, but it’s all essentially the same. If we are selfish at times, it is because on some level we feel our emotional or physical survival is threatened. We men are not jerks because we are bad people, we are jerks because our very lives depend on it.

Secondly, men are respect-oriented. We want to be able to respect ourselves, and we want others to respect us. Dealing with us can prove difficult, of course, because we often want respect even when we don’t deserve it, but there are ways to get around this. Ladies, listen carefully. The key to helping us men keep our self-respect is quite simple-just lower the bar. When we tune up your car for you, then can’t get it started again, just say, “Well, at least you didn’t blow it up, Dear.” Or when we lose our job because we said the wrong thing to the boss, just say, “Good job, Sweetie-any day without gunplay is a good day.”

Thirdly, men are pleasure-oriented. No surprise here. Guys never really mature, our bodies just get older. Ladies, this is why it’s so hard to find a responsible man. Discipline does not come easy to us because discipline involves delaying our pleasure. Later-bad. Now-good (grunt). But ladies, you can use this to your advantage. Just refine your carrot-dangling skills. Read books on how to raise kids. The enticements may change with a guy’s age, but the theory remains constant. It works the same, whether you are using M&Ms or breasts to distract or attract us.

Lastly, we men are sameness-oriented. We do not like change. Change requires insight and effort. Change-bad. Sameness-good (grunt). Our philosophy is very basic. If it works, don’t change it. If it doesn’t work, hit it with a hammer until it either works or breaks. And if it works well, nail it down so it won’t move. Change, if it ever occurs, happens only when the previous pleasure principle is implemented effectively. Even then, you must continue to reward the change until it becomes a habit, which for most men requires somewhere between twenty and thirty years.

I hope this has been helpful. I am personally just glad to be done writing. Now I can go back to sitting on the couch and watching sports. Remember, any man can achieve greatness as long as he tries hard, and as long as the standard for greatness is set low enough.

Clay Watkins is a licensed marriage and family therapist and specializes in men’s and couples issues.